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Finding your way (advice from someone who’s lost)

Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening or Good Night to you all; depending on where you are are and when you are reading this.

The issue of not knowing what your doing or where you’re going in your life is an issue that effects a lot of people. Inlcuding me of course. Hence why I’m writing about all of this.

I have been lost most of my life, but I’m sure thats the point. Youre supposed to find yourself throughout the course of your life. And thats fine.

But over the year or so things have gotten really rough. I have found it hard to find what I want to do. And the older you get the more questions you get from family and friends about what you’re doing with you life.

And the answer is I really dont know. I just got a new job as a dental receptionist and thats cool but is it what I want to do? No.

The real frustration is not what I’m doing but the fact that I’m not doing anything to change it. Fair enough you’re in a situation, but that fact that you’re not doing anything to change it is what makes me really depressed.

I know I’m amazing and everything and I know that I have the ability and resources to become whoever I want to be. But somehow I’m still here. I’m at A and I want to get B but I dont know how. Theres no bus, no train and no Uber that will get me to my goals. I can get help from family, friends, strangers but at the end of the day, I have to do it by myself.

Finding my way in life has to be the hardest task I have ever had to face. I’m still figuring it all out and hopefully one day, I can write a post from my lounge chair,in my amazing house, with my amazing family of 10 hot husbands and say to you that I finally did it.

But for now all I can is chat nonsense and be lost with you.

Heres the nonsense:

  • Set goals. Take baby steps to get to your targets. You gotta start somewhere and the good thing about being at rock bottom is, the only way is up. Step 1…!
  • Don’t let it all get you down. Dont panic about all the things you have or want to do. Stressing about life isnt going to make it any better. Remember its about the journey. Work smart not hard and have fun.
  • Get advice. Family, friends, random strangers. Its good to listen to other peoples stories, it actually is interesting. And you can learn a little something from listening to other peoples experiences. You dont have to do what anyone says, but taking something from what they said can help you with building your own chapters in the story we call life.
  • Accept that somethings are not meant to be. Dont get caught up on relationships or things that have no real prevalance on making you a better person. Remember, you are lost, you are trying to find your way and getting caught up with distractions from that goal isnt going to help you in anyway.
  • Be selfish and focus on yourself. You dont have to stop caring about other people, but please remember that everyone is on their own journey and sometimes its best to just focus on yourself and follow a path right out of the dark forrest. (What I like to call depression)
  • Praise yourself for any achievement. Dont beat yourself up too much. Yes, you’re not happy, but there must be something you have done, that wasn’t completly self destructive. Be proud of that. Be your own cheerleader.
  • Look forward to the future. Make a list of all the things you want to achieve before you die. Where do you want to go? Go there and do it. The thought of doing something that makes you happy or achieving a goal can make the process much easier. Imagine yourself leaving the forrest and walking into the light. And its motivational.

…and I’m done. Hopefully I will see you on the other side.

Be happy my loves and until next time.

Stay blessed.

Coping Mechanisms (in no particular order)

Interpret these as you will.

Breath

Cry

Sleep

Shout

Swear

Get shit done

Smoke some green

Be alone

Surround yourself with nature

Go for a walk

Get lost

Go look for something

Clean your room

Do something new

Have a bath

Listen to music (Tame Impala)

Delete/change the negative

Continue the positive

Talk to yourself

Talk to others

Be silent

Make a plan

Break something

Fix something

Dance

Keep the balance

Make dreams come true

Life as I know it

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Hello there. It’s been a while.

I would like to say that I have been busy living life. But really all I have been doing is being lazy.

Life at the moment is not good. I am looking for work and a purpose. It’s depressing but this is the reality of someone who expects things to come to them. Procrastination is a hell of a drug.

I keep telling myself that things will get better. That I will soon get that amazing job. With that amazing flat. In an amazing area. And just be happy. But that’s not happening. And why?

Because I’m not doing anything to work towards those goals.

I can sit here and preach to you on why you just get up and make your goals a reality. But I not really doing any of that. It’s kinda of like the do as I say, not as I do thing. And that’s bad.

I want to be happy. I want to be happy with my life. I want to be happy with the decisions I make. I want to be happy with the people in my life. And of course I want to be happy with myself.

I’m an optimist so I belive that this can happen. But optimism ain’t worth nothing if you’re not going to put the effort in.

See I can fully write this, say it out loud. I can even scream it. But actually doing what I say is the part where I’m failing.

Every post in this blog has been written not only for you to read, but as a personal kick up the ass for myself.

I need to remind myself that I’m the shit and that things will get better if I only just make an effort.

And I can definitely say from experience that filling your life with temporary pleasures will not help.

Sex

Drugs

Having people around (fake friends)

Even binging on food and buying clothes count.

All of these things can make you feel good temporarily. But at the end of the day, are you truly happy? Do you still feel empty? When you go home at the end of the he day and you’re in bed. Are you really happy with yourself?

Because I’m not. It doesn’t matter how much I spend or eat. It doesn’t matter who I meet and if they’re amazing. It doesn’t matter how far I travel. I am still unhappy.

How do I change that?

How does one live life to the fullest?

I can’t remember when was the last time that I woke up feeling like I had purpose. I would love to open my eyes in the morning and just look forward to the day and all of the opportunities it holds.

I have no passion. No drive. I am literally just existing. Not living. And it is depressing. I am depressed. My head is like when you drop your phone and when you pick it up it looks alright. But when you shake it, you can hear something rattle. Like something inside is broken. That is me. That might be you.

Just know that there are a lot of people out there that feel like this.

I’m not a doctor or a therapist. I’m just telling you what’s going through my head right now. It’s nearly 12:30 in the morning here and I’m sitting on my bed crying about my life.

I’m going to have to wake up later and just deal with it. I just needed to rant, then I remembered that I have a blog.

If you are going through something like this. Feel free to message me. Or just write it down like I do. Talking aloud always helps aswell. The thing is to just let it out.

All I can say is, purpose is the key to help with this. We must find our purpose. But how?

I’ll update you soon. Stay strong.

Until next time.

Run towards yourself

Hey, hey, hey ladies. I’m back with a quick one. I got tired of writing about relationships and sex, when something exciting happens in my love life and I get inspiration to write something, I will. But for now, it’s not that deep or important.

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So let’s now please focus on ourselves. I want to talk about the importance of creating a strong relationship with yourself. Sounds all preachy and stuff, but it’s needed and it’s important. This ain’t no therapy session, but we gon talk about some things.

A lot of us put large amounts of time, energy, money and even our bodies into other people. We focus so hard on maintaining relationships, with our family, friends, partners, that we forget to put some good ole work into maintaining a relationship with ourselves. A healthy relationship that is. You have to remember that you are all you have. You have to look after yourself, mentally, physically and spiritually. I’ve already talked about mental health in a previous post.

https://feedthequeen.com/2017/05/09/dealing-with-depression/

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And physically, obviously means, what you’re putting into your body, like food and of course exercise.

But spiritually is a factor we tend to forget. I like to think of it as, me, myself and I. (And the many other versions of myself) I have created relationships with all of them, learnt their pros and cons; and got to know when they are needed. This is a work in progress, but let me explain. There is me as a whole and then there are various versions. There is happy me, sad me, I wanna be alone me, let’s go hang out me, productive me,  not so productive me, I could go on and on. The point is, is to accept the fact that you are not perfect. There are many sides to a woman, we are not this one prototype. We can be one person today and another person tomorrow. And that is fine. You can change your mind.

The point of the matter is, take time to find yourself or your many selfs. Whatever it is, just make sure to put yourself first. Your health, your happiness, your well-being. Shower yourself in self-love girl.

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Do not ever forget to want more for yourself. If you aren’t happy about something in your life, change it, cut it out. Don’t have no money, go make some. Take some vitamins, go for a run, learn that language you always wanted to learn. Apply for that course you’re too scared to go to, book that flight, run that race. You dig? I make it sound easy and it’s not. Nothing in the adult world is. What I’m saying is you just gotta do it.

What I’m trying to say is do not limit yourself because of your fears. Be smart, but don’t be afraid to take risks, jump in and get s**t done. Don’t let your fears hold you back, don’t let your fears consume you. Don’t let your fears funnel their way down into the next generation. So many people are afraid and allow those fears to affect their relationships. So much so, that when they have kids, they push those fears on to their children. Next thing you know, they are afraid to live life too.

That’s why it’s so important for me to live my life, so one day when I eventually decide to have kids (maybe). I can teach and raise them to live life to fullest. I can actually create good human beings for the future. This is what I meant by, putting yourself first. It sounds selfish, but at the end of the day, doing you means you will eventually help the people in your life. It all starts with you. Wanting to be in a healthy relationship, with your dream man or wanting to have the dream job, means you have to sort your s**t out. You can’t have any of that until you do so. Not truly happily anyway.

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I just figured this out and it’s exciting. It’s exciting to think of all the things you can do when you just accept yourself. When you just decide to be happy, when you decide to do you. It’s crazy to think that a lot of girls and even grown women are walking around not knowing this.

If this post made no sense to you, then you haven’t gotten there yet. Maybe you will understand one day. I’m never deleting this blog, so I can come back and laugh at how ridiculous I was a few years from now. So you can come back here whenever you want. Come back as many times, till it makes sense. Come back to argue if you really want to. I’m here.

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Stop running away life, stop running towards these f!&%kboys, start running towards dem goals. (I ain’t telling you what to do tho)

Run towards yourself babygirl. You’ll get there eventually.

Until next time,

Stay blessed.

Wifey material or nah?

Drum roll please… No… Ok. 😑 

Well I’m back and not with a bang. Apologies for the lack of content. I had uni work due, then I graduated and now I’m looking for a job. So life has been hectic. 

But we are back at it and now we’re going to talk about the idea of being ‘wifeable’. This is a topic that has been of great popularity lately. I feel like its all I’ve been talking about for the past few months. 

I can’t remember when or where it was, but I was sitting with my friend and she said, “I just want to be taken out for dinner.” And that made me think shitttttttttttttt… It would be nice to be taken out for dinner. Why don’t guys want to take me out for dinner? *has mental break down* “OMG GUYS DON’T WANT TO TAKE US OUT FOR DINNER!!!” 

My friend continued to say that she’s never been taken on a proper date. She has just met guys and then got into relationships with them straight away. They would move in and then she would become the nagging, “Why won’t you take me out for dinner”, girlfriend. She wanted to be taken out and actually experience the dating scene. Which is fair enough. Right?

Now I’ve been taken out on dates before and its really nice to be wined and dined. But what I’ve noticed recently is that guys don’t want to bother with whole dating thing, they just want to get straight to bed. 

So you’re there thinking “Duh”… “F!%kboys be F!%kboys!” “You’re attracting the wrong type of guy.” And yes true, all of the above are all certain possibilities as to why guys don’t want to take us out, but there seems to be a pattern. And plus, as the paranoid twit that I am, I began to wonder why I’m not the type of girl that guys look at and go, “I would like to take the woman to dinner.” 

Are there such men like that anymore? Or am I ‘NON-WIFEABLE’ *DUN DUN DUN* (Insert dramatic music for effect)

Yes I said it non wifeable. A term most ladies do not want to hear. A term that can break the hopes and dreams of a young simpleton such as myself. 

But what does it mean?

It means you’re nice, but not nice enough to take seriously. It means a guy will like you, but only for a week. It means, he’ll pick you up, but just to take you back to his place. And of course the is all at your allowance, but nevertheless depressing af. 

I always get the feeling that guys are like, “she’s alright, but she’s not worth the trouble.”  So the point of this is, why is this happening? Is it the way I carry myself? Is it how I dress? The way I speak? Or perhaps is it that I never wear a bra? Ricdulous…  Do men really judge you on such things?  Do I really look like the type of woman that just doesn’t mind going back to his for a good ole netflx and chill session? And if so how do I not look llike that type of woman? Questions. Questions.

No don’t get me wrong I’m not changing for no one, but I like the idea of discussing possible ‘flaws’ in my persona that would deter men from wanting anything more that the odd night with me. (I’m crazy I know)

So I created a list of what I think men look at when they meet women. Like a sort of checklist of things that men will look at and think, “nope she’s not worth more than a text every month saying wuup2.”

So here it is. Things you should or shouldn’t do to somehow get a man to take you seriously. (This is a list made up by myself, some friends and opinions of various men that I know.)

  • If you met on tinder, then he’s already planning on hitting and quitting. Tinder has gotten itself quite a reputation of being a breeding ground for easy hookups, which is fine if you’re down for it. But don’t be surprised when the hottie you match with, just wants you to come back to his, when his mums at work.
  • Some men have this idea that if you dress a certain way, then you must be a certain type of person. The classic example is, if you need help and you see someone dressed like a police officer, you’re going to run up to them and ask for help. If the person turns around and says, “no sorry, I’m not actually  a police officer”, You’re going to be pretty pissed off. Some men see woman’s attire as the same thing. Essentially in the mind of some, if you dress like a hoe, you a hoe. I could go on all day about how stupid that theory is, but I’m not going too. Apparently me not wearing a bra causes some problems. *rolls eyes* 

  • If you are too independant. Crazy I know, but again some men think… She can take her own self out to dinner. They think it’s about money and it’s not. I just want to be taken out for a meal and all of that good dating stuff. I can pay for my half. 
  • If you do anything that is considered masculine or something a man would do. E.g. smoking, drinking from the bottle, swearing, being too laid back or “chill. In short: not “ladylike”.

  •  And of course the big one… Sex. Giving up the puntang on the first date was top on the list. For obvious reasons. Some men think you’re too easy, they got what they wanted and now they don’t have to bother.  Like OK sex is great. Staying at home, cuddled up is great. But sometimes it’s nice to go out for a meal. But some men find that to intimate… Like being inside someone isn’t intimate enough, making conversation with you across the table will just be too much.

Now all of these reasons listed above are nothing for you to worry about. If you meet someone and they don’t like the way you act or dress or whatever, then tough nuts. That is their problem not yours. 

I personally think you can be beautiful, cook, clean, be a ‘bad bitch’ in the bedroom and still not get taken seriously. The phrase ‘wifey material’ is bull. Be you and and someone will come along and like it enough to want to take you to Disneyland Paris. (Yes I would love that!)

I just keep telling myself that one day someone will come along and accept me in all my finery, including my flaws. Isn’t that the whole point of love or whatever? For the person to accept you. 

This isn’t a post to tell you how to become wifey material or to get a man. If you thought that was what it was going to be, then sorry hun, you on the wrong blog. I am way too young, inexperienced and single to be giving women advice on how to get a man. 😂 I AM SINGLE AF! SEND HELP!

The point of all this is, if a guy doesn’t want to take you seriously, say sayounara to him sister. No one is worth you stressing over. Remember that you are in control of what happens in your life. My friend and I actually decided to take ourselves out. We work, we make our own money and we enjoys our own or each others company, so it works out. “Imma take myself to nandos and stroke my own damn thigh.” 😂

So as you can tell I’ve been quite good throughout and not made this a personal attack on men. I do know that there are men out there that like to treat their lady. Good for you and especially good for her. But I am talking about a specific type of manbaby in this post. If you offended then I got news for you… *whispers* “you a little baby.”

Ladies until next time. 

Stay blessed.

Surviving your twenties 

A quick lil post with the usual ranting antics. Being in your twenties can seem like a real struggle sometimes. Your just starting out in life, you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re broke, you’re living with mummy and daddy (if you’re lucky) and everything just seems like its going nowhere.

But do not fret. Feed The Queen is here to help. As a fellow 20 something year old, I can understand the pain of being completely lost. But its not all bad. Being in your twenties means you simply have more years to make the most out of your life. I don’t want to get to 50 and realise I haven’t done anything with my life or completely regret the decisions I made. Imagine waking up in a bed with a man you dont love or being stuck in a dead end job taking orders from someone who doesnt give a damn about your life. Dramatic huh?

So I complied a list of what I think you should be doing to survive the horrible 20s. It helps me, so it might help you.

Now this is something that I have only come to realise. Something’s aren’t supposed to be permanent. This can be for jobs, houses and most importantly people. You have to realise that you are going to go through different phases in your life. And that means that sometimes certain people are not going to move into the next phase with you. This can be hard to hear, because the thought of not talking to a certain friend or not being with your current boyfriend can be depressing. But thats life. And the first step in being an adult is accepting that life is a bitch.

Sorry to break it to you.

Again, something I am now starting to now do. And that is… Making myself happy. I’ve talked about this in previous posts. If it doesn’t make you happy, cut it out. Do what you want (in moderation) live your life. If something or someone is being a downer… You know what to do.

Not believing in yourself or what you can do, WILL limit your opportunities in life. If, in your mind believes you cannot do something, well guess what… you’re not going to be able to do it. I still haven’t been able to learn how to swim, because I’m convinced I’m going to die. 😂

The point is, have confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself and what you can do.

Have you ever been invited out to an event or with friends and because of maybe anxiety or something like that… You cancel or say no? Or maybe a guy asked you out, but you got scared, because of your insecurities. This goes back to being confident, but the point is don’t be afriad to live your life. Say yes more, experience life, see what it has to offer you. You will make mistakes but thats OK… You learn from them.

This is the phrase of my life. ITS NOT THAT DEEP. Life is too short to be worrying about men or some other person. Life is too short to be worrying about whether someone likes you or if you’ve got a spot on your face. Petty nonsense like that will hold you back love. Relax, go with flow. There are people in all around the world that are suffering, things that you could never imagine are happening right now. So I try not to complain and moan about my little problems, because it really isn’t that deep. I might be broke, hungry (I have food, I’m just being spoilt. First world problems.) and single,  but I’m alive with a roof over my head.

This goes back to confidence and all of that. Knowing when to really jump into a situation and challenge yourself is the key to growth. And being in your twenties is all about growth. Its OK to push yourself sometimes and come out of your comfort zone, thats how you learn. Go learn Spanish, like you always wanted to or finally learn to swim (like I’ve been planning to do for the longest time)

The basic lesson to take from this post is to just live your life. I want to look back and can say that I really enjoyed my twenties, that it was a crazy time, but I enjoyed it.

Any advice for us twentie year olds? Comment below.

Until next time, stay blessed Queens.

Dealing with depression

This is long overdue. I was supposed to write about this a long time ago, but it’s ok… I’m doing it now.

Depression is something I wanted to talk about to you guys because it is something that has affected me all my life. Whether that be with me directly or having to deal with it from people in my life. Depression is something that effects a lot of people, some know it, some don’t. The key is to know when it’s starting to creep on you and how to stomp it out. I use the word creep because that’s how I would describe it. It’s not the feeling of suddenly becoming sad, it really is something that slowing consumes you.

So what exactly is depression?

I have no idea. Is it the emotion of just being sad and down? Or is it an actual mental thing?

Well, let me tell you what I think. Being sad, feeling down and having depression is all a mental thing. Everything goes back to your mind. Of course, there are different levels to how you feel, so sadness could be a lower level and depression could be a higher level. But at the end of the day if you are feeling some type of way, whether it be a weak or stronger feeling, something is happening and only YOU can do something to change it.

Now don’t let me fool you, taking action and fighting against your own self is the MOST difficult thing. Fighting with another person always seems hard, but at the end of the day, you can cut them off. You can tell them to go away, you can put the phone down, you can block them. You can call the police, you can run away. But when you are fighting with yourself, there is nowhere to run. You cannot just block out your mind or cut off your emotions. You are within yourself and there is nowhere to run. And that my dears… is depression. (for me) The fucking trap that is your mind and its got you by the balls/ovaries, as you run around and around trying to escape. Deep right? I guess that’s what leads to people committing suicide. The feeling of not having anywhere to go or no way out. But…

Now dealing with depression is something that I’m still working on. Getting my mind right and being happy is the number one goal in life. Me before anything.

So what can you do to combat these feelings?

  • Find out what’s making you feel like 💩💩This can be hard because sometimes you don’t even know what’s making you feel that way. It could be a certain person. It could be a certain place. Or something as simple as a smell, that just makes you feel down. (which sounds crazy but really is possible) For me, it’s my surroundings. I don’t like feeling trapped or crowded in. Which is one of the reasons why I’m bad with people. The idea of being stuck or limited to one place makes me in easy. I combat this with simply going outside. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, you can be outside. Some places are better than some, but never the less, being outside is a luxury most people have. Just open the door and walk to the park. One of the most beautiful things you can witness is the sunset/sunrise. And it’s free!! That right there can heal any soul. Sit on the bench or in the dirty grass and just breath. That is my way of freedom. So right now, I’m writing this on my phone at my nan’s house and everyone is talking, making noise. So I decided to go out in the garden and breath. Anti-social yes, but I feel better now. Whenever I used to feel down at uni, because I was all alone, in a box room with no money. I would walk up to this beautiful place, where you could see the London skyline and watch the sunset. That right there was peace.

  • Surround yourself with people who want the best for you. Now I always go on about this, but fake friends and fake relationships are toxic. Cut that shit out man… SAY IT WITH ME…. CUT THAT SHIT OUT. If you’re dealing with your own stuff and people are not understanding or making it worse. Then how is that going to help you, my dear? IF IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY… CUT IT OUT.
  • Combat a negative action with two positive ones. Because why not double up on the positivity. Cancel out the negativity and start feeling good.
  • Stop backing out of situations that you really want to do, but are too scared to. Everyone has their own goals and aspirations. And if you want to do something. Go do it. It’s all about your happiness, remember? If you want to make music, make music. If you want to learn Spanish, go learn Spanish. If you want to do something, go do it. I really want to travel and that’s what I’m going to do. (I just need the money.😂😂) Because again it goes back my idea if freedom. Short story is, don’t be afraid to push yourself.

  • Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings. This is something most men struggle with. You’re out here tryin be “the man”, but that stuff impacts your relationships. How can your partner and your friends and everyone else be understanding if they don’t know what you’re going through. I mean just because you tell people how you’re feeling, doesn’t mean they are going to be understanding. But it could help. You don’t have to sit there crying but just saying… “Hey, my mind isn’t in a good place, right now and I’m just going to need some time to get it right” The amount of relationships that have broken down because of the lack of communication of someone’s feelings.
  • Make the most out of the little things. Instead of letting things get you down, whatever they may be. Try and be optimistic… Which a lot of people find disgusting, with all that happy nonsense. Of course be realistic, but it works with me. Things are bad, yes, but, things can always be better. It’s easy for me to say this, because of my life. And I understand for a lot of people around the world, things aren’t just going to get better. But hey…. I’m just being optimistic.

Some people say depression is all about being a victim. A victim to yourself maybe? 🤔🤔 But trust me, you have the power to change it and make it better.

So remember to identify the reason for your depression if you can…. It may be something about yourself you’re not happy with. Counter that with a positive action or two. And just keep going.

Comment below and let me know what you think. I like hearing your opinions. Agree? Disagree? Ways you cope with depression… Let me know.

And until next time. Stay blessed.