Hello there. It’s been a while.
I would like to say that I have been busy living life. But really all I have been doing is being lazy.
Life at the moment is not good. I am looking for work and a purpose. It’s depressing but this is the reality of someone who expects things to come to them. Procrastination is a hell of a drug.
I keep telling myself that things will get better. That I will soon get that amazing job. With that amazing flat. In an amazing area. And just be happy. But that’s not happening. And why?
Because I’m not doing anything to work towards those goals.
I can sit here and preach to you on why you just get up and make your goals a reality. But I not really doing any of that. It’s kinda of like the do as I say, not as I do thing. And that’s bad.
I want to be happy. I want to be happy with my life. I want to be happy with the decisions I make. I want to be happy with the people in my life. And of course I want to be happy with myself.
I’m an optimist so I belive that this can happen. But optimism ain’t worth nothing if you’re not going to put the effort in.
See I can fully write this, say it out loud. I can even scream it. But actually doing what I say is the part where I’m failing.
Every post in this blog has been written not only for you to read, but as a personal kick up the ass for myself.
I need to remind myself that I’m the shit and that things will get better if I only just make an effort.
And I can definitely say from experience that filling your life with temporary pleasures will not help.
Having people around (fake friends)
Even binging on food and buying clothes count.
All of these things can make you feel good temporarily. But at the end of the day, are you truly happy? Do you still feel empty? When you go home at the end of the he day and you’re in bed. Are you really happy with yourself?
Because I’m not. It doesn’t matter how much I spend or eat. It doesn’t matter who I meet and if they’re amazing. It doesn’t matter how far I travel. I am still unhappy.
How do I change that?
How does one live life to the fullest?
I can’t remember when was the last time that I woke up feeling like I had purpose. I would love to open my eyes in the morning and just look forward to the day and all of the opportunities it holds.
I have no passion. No drive. I am literally just existing. Not living. And it is depressing. I am depressed. My head is like when you drop your phone and when you pick it up it looks alright. But when you shake it, you can hear something rattle. Like something inside is broken. That is me. That might be you.
Just know that there are a lot of people out there that feel like this.
I’m not a doctor or a therapist. I’m just telling you what’s going through my head right now. It’s nearly 12:30 in the morning here and I’m sitting on my bed crying about my life.
I’m going to have to wake up later and just deal with it. I just needed to rant, then I remembered that I have a blog.
If you are going through something like this. Feel free to message me. Or just write it down like I do. Talking aloud always helps aswell. The thing is to just let it out.
All I can say is, purpose is the key to help with this. We must find our purpose. But how?
I’ll update you soon. Stay strong.
Until next time.